The Relic

Heh heh! A brilliant performance as usual, young Digger. It's a shame it doesn't count towards your end of term assessment.

1) I think Everest double glazing created that in order to boost sales. I'd like to be able to see through my neigbour's window, but unfortunately it is frosted.

The Second Defenestration Of Prague in 1618 was instrumental in beginning the Thirty Years War. The reason why the war took so long was probably down to the poor transport of the 15th century. It would have taken them years to reach the battlefield, and after all that travelling they would have needed a long lie down before starting the battle.

I think defenestration should be introduced for all potential parliamentary candidates, as a sort of test for suitability for parliament equivalent to the good old ducking stools they used to use on witches. The candidates should be hurled out of the window of one of the highest buildings in London, and if they survive they should be allowed to stand (for parliament, that is,as they probably wouldn't be able to stand on their legs any more). I must point out that the Gherkin is entirely unsuitable for this purpose as slimy gits would stick to the curved walls like slugs and slide down. On the other hand, Blair was such a slimeball that it would have taken him at least thirty years to slide down to the ground, by which time he would have been too old to stand anyway.

2) I was gutted when they voted the 1970s as the most influential/best decade musically on BBC3/4 recently. However, it's only down to the opinions of misguided morons so I have come to terms with it. I suppose there could be a decade better than the 60s for Britain, but as long as I am not around to witness it I will be happy. Dead but happy.

That was down to the same kind of "reassessment" that holds that Sergeant Pepper wasn't one of the greatest albums of the '60s. The likes of Maconie have to be professional iconoclasts or lose street cred, and there is no greater monolith to tear down than the primacy of the '60s in the development of pop/rock.

3) Now is merely an assemblage of contiguous instants occuring in what we call the present. Soon relates to the immediate future, in the same way that just now relates to the immediate past, so in that sense the two are unrelated.

That was a trick question I'm afraid, and you've fallen into the trap of accepting the existence of linear Newtonian time, which was discredited by Einstein. In Newtonian time there can be a particular instant without measurable duration, just as a point in geometry can have position without magnitude, but relativistic time palpably varies according to the position and velocity of the observer.

Even if that were not the case, linear time would be in constant parallel states of latency and decay, which are mutually contradictory. So we must conclude that there is no such thing as "the present" or "now".

Which means, it has just occurred to me, that if we're ever asked to do something and to "do it now, please," we can reply with absolute convinction that we can't, because it's impossible.

4) I haven't witnessed a big bang for some time. The next time I do, not only will the earth move for me, and arguably for her, it will probably move for you 200 miles away too and be at least 8 on the richter scale.

I felt the Earth tremble a little just then. You're watching that footage of Maddie Smith in The Vampire Lovers, aren't you?

5) It is for about three hours in May.

It's to prove that former Eastern Bloc countries are now the greatest force in popular music, and that we should run up another set of Iron Curtains.

6) It depends. I came from a misunderstanding between my parents.

We've discussed this before, haven't we? My position was originally that people from the south of England procreate through the use of leg-hugging labradors, but I later accepted that southern children are selected with the minimum of fuss from swishing rails at Harvey Nicks'. I understand that this year's models are the Jack, the Samantha, the Christian, and a reworked version of the Daniella, with a nose that isn't quite so tiny and pointed than that of the former version.

We northerners, on the other hand, get all of our children from five slump-shouldered girls: one Tracy, one Beverley, one Carly and two Kylies. We all cough out a cheer from our emphysema-raddled lungs whenever we see the delivery service (it's a squeaking pushchair with a tattered hood) limping past. Why so many of our children come out with the complexion of yellowed, decaying polythene and a vague scent of wee, or more often nowadays display a distinctly brown hue, remains a mystery.

7) If I do it will be truly awesome and I will be able to take a well-earned vacation because it's been an emotional roller-coaster trying to educationalise them.

You should write a book on the subject, so that Americans can say to the "shopclerk". "Can I get that wild new book from the center of the store window?"

Thanks for these, Digger. I need a good laugh at the moment, and you haven't lost your touch for making me fall about.

I'd welcome another round of questions, but if you want to do some 'twould be better to post 'em under "Chat" so we don't incur the wrath of the gauleiter.

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The Relic

Richard Dawkins for Pope.